It’s been a tough few days in my house lately.
Getting away a bit from my labour journey, I thought it’s time I talk about the present as much as reliving the past over and over.
Generally, my little boy and I are quite content and happy. Taking each day as it comes, playing, eating, sleeping, pooping has all been fine.
These last few days however, have been extremely difficult. My bubs is not himself. He’s going through changes. A lot of changes. His world must be opening up and it must be so overwhelming!
I have been doing my best to give the space he needs to figure it all out, give him the cuddles he needs when it’s all a bit too much.
But this also means being at his total beck and call for the last few days.
It’s been really difficult on me and my emotional well-being as I haven’t been myself either.
Let’s face it, periods are never anyone’s choice of anything good happening, but my hormones go wild when I’m on my period. Nothing is good enough, I need the house to be spotless or I just end up getting cross.
One minute I’m fine, the next I’m either furious or miserable.
Perhaps it’s a combination of both of us being a bit out of sorts lately. But today has just made me want to cry.
I got very cross earlier, for no reason what so ever, bubs was hungry, overtired and wanted to play.
I just wanted 5 minutes to myself.
This motherhood thing is a very difficult battle. On the one hand I know this tiny human needs me, but I also know my self care is just as important too, otherwise I can’t be there for him and attune to his needs.
Today has been one of those days where I’ve been out of sync and I just didn’t know what he wanted.
Perhaps he didn’t know what he wanted either.
Perhaps the anger and frustration weren’t even mine, they were projected onto me by my baby who may have been finding them hard to manage.
Let’s just say I didn’t do a great job of processing those feelings for him and letting him know it’s alright to feel that way.
What might he have been frustrated about? I’m not sure, I feel like my head was so far up my own arse that I didn’t even stop to think about what he might be feeling.
Instead I ended up getting cross and upset and just fed him and put him to bed.
It could be that maybe I haven’t dealt with my own anger issues, they’ve just been buried and ignored (like I did with bubs) but I also think that if they did surface, there is so much anger in me that I think I would just explode.
What am I angry about?
Well, that’s a very long story that will take up way too much of this post (possibly also avoiding dealing with it too), perhaps one day I may write about it.
I think it just all got a little bit too much today as I’ve been on my own with him since 6:30 this morning until 19:30 this evening.
Usually my partner will be back by 18:30 so I can get a bit of a break but he’s out tonight so I’ve been on my own all day.
I’m just exhausted to be honest. I want some time to take care of me but I’m finding it really difficult.
I have not lost any of my pregnancy weight and it’s really bringing me down as well.
Which makes me emotionally eat, so I’m not going to lose it anyway!
I’ve realised that being a mother can also be incredibly lonely. I feel tearful just writing that. I’m always going to be the one to worry about every little thing, plus keep up with housework, plus making dinners, plus everything else that goes with being a mother at home.
As much as it is an exciting journey, it is one that also can harvest a lot of loneliness in a person.
Being a mum is a very tough job and I think we all deserve a pat on the back, don’t you?