So I was in a room with another lovely lady whose baby just screamed and screamed all day and all night.
At first it wasn’t terrible, but the longer I was in hospitals the worse it got.
I felt for her, my baby didn’t cry at all, he slept a lot, fed, pooped and slept more. There were works outside the building with saws and all sorts going on and he slept through.
He had 2 heel prick tests and didn’t even flinch, just let out a little “eh” and went back to sleep. The paediatrician loved him.
I, however, couldn’t even look at him. It was a really struggle to show any interest in him. So when my partner had to go home at midnight, I was on my own.
The first night was absolutely terrible. It was time to feed him and I couldn’t get up so buzzed a midwife. She was horrible. She made me get up, made me change his nappy (considering I couldn’t bend this was very difficult) and didn’t really listen when I said I was uncomfortable feeding him as it hurts too much (I had expressed colostrum through the last weeks of my pregnancy so had a stash) and I had to plead with her to feed him for me (after she made me try breast feeding him first).
In hindsight, It makes me quite cross feeing like I was unheard and just made to do it, but at the time I didn’t have any fight in me as I was completely shut off.
As the morning came up on the second day, I told my new midwife (cried is what I meant) what happened and she reported it for me, then I had the head midwife come in and apologise and ensured me I wouldn’t have that midwife again, and they will do everything they can to support me, just buzz and someone will come.
I had the lactation consultant again, the head lady and she assured me he was latching I’m ok, perhaps I was just super sensitive after surgery and to buzz her whenever it was feeding time to get more support from a midwife.
This was more reassuring, as I had explained to the midwife I wasn’t coping very well so needed a bit more help. I managed to get some rest when my partner arrived.
Not only was I super worried about my baby, I didn’t care at all either. I just felt totally sorry for myself and had a major internal battle of guilt running through me.
That night I couldn’t sleep as the baby next door just wouldn’t stop crying. The midwife said I really needed rest and I explained it’s hard to sleep with a screaming baby.
The next day wasn’t much better, the baby was still screaming and eventually when a midwife came to see me, they popped over next door and discovered her baby had jaundice and she wasn’t producing enough milk to feed him. I felt for her I really did. But as soon as the baby fed he was so much better.
That morning (4th day) I had a lovely midwife who noticed my catheter wasn’t taken out (it was supposed be done the day before) and that she would report that as someone has clearly forgotten.
This made me feel like I was completely forgotten again, but also the midwives has so many women to look after how can they remember everyone.
She was brilliant and took it out immediately. I didn’t know it needed to be taken out, I assumed they would do it when they were ready to.
Eventually though, I was ok to go home and was desperate to get out of there.
However, on the way home I was very quiet and began to cry in the car.
I was overwhelmed, upset that I had lost the safety of the hospital and distressed that I now had to take care of a tiny human who was going to rely on me for the rest of his life.
What was I going to do? How am I going to bond with my baby when I don’t even want to hold him?