My baby is 6 months old now.
Since coming out of hospital I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster journey of emotions and it’s been really difficult.
I still find myself stuck in a rut a lot of the time and it impact my ability to lose weight.
I’m an emotional eater you see. I eat when I’m sad, bored, happy, depressed, stressed… you name it, I’ll eat.
Before I was pregnant I had a manage on things. I knew my triggers and was doing alright with my eating.
Since giving birth however, I seem to have lost that filter and just can’t stop myself. It’s like I have no willpower at all (which took me years to built up in the first place) and just reach for anything and everything I can find.
It’s not great to be honest. Food is my friend, yet my enemy. I eat because I want to feel full, rid myself of the emptiness I feel inside a lot of the time.
Yes, I’m very aware that it will never make me feel full. As a therapist I know this, but I still do it, why?
It’s a question I pose to myself every single day.
When I have so much love, joy and fullness in my life, why do I feel so… lonely, empty.
Just a being with a hollow inside.
I have support around me and it’s great, it really is, it’s just not giving me that something I so desperately need/want.
What is it that I do desperately need/want?
That, my friends, is the million dollar question.
Love love love keeps going through my mind.
That complete unconditional, no matter how irrational I am, love and support. I feel like I want someone else’s world to revolve around me.
My baby does! I hear you cry.
No, my world revolves around him. It is unfair of me to have to put that burden on him when it is me who needs to be taking care of him and showing him that everything is going to be alright.
I feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time. There is this hole in my being that seems like it can never be filled, no matter how much food I eat.
I remember my therapist (part of my course training) saying that my need for external validation far outweighs me validating myself and feeling like I am good enough just as I am.
How true this is.
I find myself in a constant battle. No one can ever give me a compliment as I find it extremely uncomfortable. Not even my own partner.
I reject anything positive and only ever criticism.
I know this is from my early experience, never feeling good enough, always being criticised on everything I thought. It was always wrong.
It’s still always wrong.
The demons from my past invade me, haunt me, rendering my ability to move forward feel like a constant battle.
Food gives me that pleasure for that moment, but in an instant the guilt, criticism, and negativity kick in. The more I do it, the more the spiral goes.
How am I ever going to break the cycle? Will I ever be able to move forward and feel ok within myself and be able to take care of me?
I could psychoanalyse myself till the cows come home but it doesn’t seem to do anything.
I am well and truly stuck.