My Inner Child

My little bubs can pull himself up to sitting with holding my hands. He’s been able to do this for a while now, but today he decided he wanted to stand up and just launched himself up while he was holding my hands, no assistance! I was incredibly proud!

All he wants to do now is stand up, and take a few steps.

I don’t think it will be long until he starts moving and then things get even more exciting!

 

Me, on the other hand, is a different story. I have been feeling incredibly sorry for myself lately. I’m struggling to lose the baby weight, so I eat my emotions away.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. The reasons I eat, why I turn to food.

It’s supposed to be filling me up right? Well it doesn’t. I realised today I never seem to feel full when I eat.

I just feel quite empty a lot of the time. It’s incredibly difficult and it is a horrible feeling.

It’s all very muddled in my head and lots of different thoughts and feelings are going around. But I will try and reel off these feelings in some kind of order

So thinking about this empty feeling, taking the time to welcome it in and listen, understand and be attentive to it; it feels like there is a lack of love there. That empty feeling is that I just don’t feel very loved right now. Everything is about the baby, and I don’t blame anyone, I am not angry at anyone because of it, I mean, he is a total legend who even I want to spend all my time with, but I feel there is a big lack of love for me.

That’s not me saying in any means that no body cares about me, I know there are people that do care a lot and I appreciate it,there is just something missing.

What is more annoying is that I can’t pinpoint it. If I understood what it was, then perhaps I could give it some care and figure it out to move forward.

It kind of feels like my inner child is incredibly lonely; and I have noticed lately that I am pushing people away because it feels like it’s scary to let anyone get close.

What if I am rejected for who I am? I spent a lot of my childhood being bullied and rejected for who I was so that makes sense. It seems like it is something my inner child just hasn’t got over. Which could be the reason I feel like food is my friend. It’s filling that hole of feeling good enough (but it doesn’t help, only makes it worse and me fat)

When I continue to think about this hole, it feels like there are a lot of tears there. What for I am not sure, but there seems to be a lot of unprocessed stuff that is festering.

There is a part of that hole that seems to be holding on to the trauma that my body went through during birth.

There is a lot of anger being held in there too. Partly I think from my inner child who is holding onto a lot of resentment; as well as the anger I feel now. More at myself than anything.

I seem to have a ‘what’s the point’ attitude at the moment, which I think is coming from my inner child who doesn’t think there is much point in anything because whatever she does is going to be wrong, so ‘what’s the point?’

I know it is not the attitude to have as an adult, as doing things helps you move forward, but for some reason my inner child seems to be dominating my thoughts at the moment. Perhaps it is because I have a child of my own? I don’t want him to have these feelings which is why I want to process them and move on, but I feel in me doing this, I am not attuned to him very much and as a result he is going to get these feelings anyway.

Again, that’s my inner child not feeling good enough, wanting to fix things.

I’m really struggling to get out of this rut because it is something I would like to sort out, but I just keep going around in circles, unable to process anything because I can’t seem to figure out a way out.

I want to care for my inner child and let her know it’s ok, that I have her back, but nothing seems to be working, it seems to be something deeply rooted that is proving very hard to shift.

I also think being in constant pain isn’t helping. My body doesn’t seem to want to recover from my experience, and I kind of feel like, woe is me, but also, shut the fuck up and get on with it.

The first part being my inner child, the second part my adult self. I can see how these probably do not help each other.

As much as I am trying to listen to my inner child, be empathetic and caring, but there is a part of me that just wants to say ‘for goodness sake just get over whatever is bothering you already it was in the past, move on.’ So perhaps me as an actual adult is just like everyone else from my inner child’s life. Uncaring, uninterested and too busy.

I don’t think I know how to listen to her, I don’t know if I will be able to hold everything she has to say. As a therapist, we need to deal with our own triggers to enable us to hold onto other people’s difficulties and show we care and try to understand with no judgement.

My brain is just going around and around, I can’t think anymore. I’m sure that I will write more about this though in the coming weeks.

Look after yourselves

x

 

 

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