I love being with my baby, I find it a real gift.
However I am still feeling disconnected from the world a lot of the time. Whether that be escaping into my phone after he has gone to bed, or even noticing that I feel disconnected even when he is awake.
I have everything I want, yet I still don’t feel content with what I have. I can’t understand why. I get that we live in the kind of world where people are not content and there is an element of wanting what we can’t have, or wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
It feels like I just don’t want to think about things anymore. There is just too much to think about. No matter where I go, there is still always going to be stuff to think about.
Whether it be about baby, my house, work, food, myself or my partner. The list is endless and it seems like disconnecting is the way the deal with feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the stuff that I constantly feel like I need to think about.
The other day, I went to my sisters, packed everything I needed, checked everything and when I got there, went to change bub’s nappy and realised there were not wipes in my bag, so I had to go the shop and get some. I know it doesn’t seem like a big thing, but I feel like there is a lot of pressure to remember this kind of basic stuff that baby needs.
At what point does it get easier? At what point will I not have to think about everything going on and be prepared for everything?
I suppose the pressure is something I am putting on myself. I don’t find it easy to ask for help with things, but something eventually has to give.
I even struggled to get out of bed this morning as I didn’t want the day to begin, I just wanted to sleep and curl up in a ball and have it all go away just for one day. Waking up to it raining outside doesn’t help either, like I talked about weather affecting mood post.
What is it that I am looking for? I really couldn’t tell you right now. It’s all a bit up in the air and something incredibly difficult to think about. I don’t really want to go back to full time work, but that is not something I need to think about right now (also, I am already working as a therapist in the evenings and weekends), I would like a bigger house, nicer garden for my little one to grow up in, but that isn’t possible right now, a 5 door car would be nice so I don’t put my back out every time I try and put my baby in the car. A country with better weather would also help!
I still think about Australia a lot of the time. It is totally different over three, however, having a child in the mix makes things much more complex before even thinking about another move across the world.
I guess I feel disconnected because I can’t seem to figure out how I can make things better, how can I be content with what I have right now?
Answers would be great, but I think it something I need to figure out on my own.