It’s been incredibly difficult to think about, since I have been feeling disconnected and at most moments when I can I just switch off and don’t think about anything. However, the article above; and another one I found (which I can’t seem to find now!) talks about how to help your inner child and aid some healing.
The article I posted above first suggests analysing your own behaviour. Things such as thinking about the kind of people you are attracted to, how you are triggered by other people and how you react etc.
It’s interesting thinking about my partner. I was talking to my friend the other day, and she commented just how different we were. Very much Ying and Yang, but I thought that was quite a good thing, as I am generally quite an anxious person and he is very chilled out. So there is a balance there.
However, I also think we can be quite similar in many ways too. Not that I can think of any right this second (HA!) but I think we agree on how to raise our baby at least.
As a therapist, I have done a lot of self analysis over the years, but I still learn something new about myself every day. Whether that be a new way I react to something, or how I feel about something. It seems to be a journey that will never end, but I am ok with that.
What I have been thinking about, is what age is being triggered to bring up these feelings of loneliness, anxiety, not good enough etc. It is very difficult to pin point but it feels like she is younger than 10 years old.
I can’t remember much before I was 10, just snapshots, like pictures, of memories. But I wonder if those memories are real or just what I have been told by family.
It’s not clear really; and I wonder if things have been blocked out for a reason.
It is difficult for me to remember not having any friends in school and being told by my peers that I was rubbish and wouldn’t make anything of myself. Part of me feels very sad about that, but there is another part of me that became very driven, to show them that I could make something of myself, almost like sticking two fingers up at them.
However, the scar is still there; and I am not sure how to heal that. I wonder if it ever will heal, as part of me wonders if it does, will I lose my drive to do things? I’m torn, I want it to heal, but part of me doesn’t either.
I guess it feels a bit like I have this drive to do stuff, but still no one recognises all the hard work I have done and what I have achieved in my life. But then my own therapist suggests that I am the kind of person that seems to need outside validation. I need other people to see and tell me I am doing well. Which is true I guess.
She has suggested that I should try and learn to validate myself and be proud of what I have done in my life thus far. There is a part of me that is proud, but I still would like others to recognise the things I have achieved. I realise it might sound quite needy, which makes me wonder if my inner child is very needy and needs to be told she is doing alright.
It’s easy enough for me to say I’ve got my younger self’s back, but it feels very different. It’s kind of like my word doesn’t really mean anything to my younger self, she needs to be shown she is alright. Which is something that is incredibly difficult to do as an adult as the past is in the past, but impacts the present and future.
I just seem to end up going around in circles to try and help her; and I want to let it go, it is just very clear that my younger self does not want to. So I’m wondering how can we co-exist together and keep the peace.
It’s anyone’s guess really. Answers on a postcard please!